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Friday, June 2, 2017

~My Hesitation~

I received an email yesterday about the death of a mother of one of Janie’s friends. I am always frozen in place when I hear of the death of a parent. My heart goes out to the parent left behind and the children. I immediately am taken back to that hard stand still time that we went through after Jeff died. I want to help and reach out but I always hesitate…

I have a gut reaction that my experience does not count seeing as I met Hank and was remarried less than a year after Jeff’s death. That fact makes me feel unworthy of reaching out to someone….as if I do not count, my life was “fixed” too quickly…

What I do know is that I was and am still heartbroken over Jeff’s death, the utter destruction it had on our little family of 5. We lost our family on that day and it has never been the same. However in the worlds eyes my family has continued to thrive.

Yes this enormous family of mine is thriving, we are blessed in more ways than I could have ever imagined during that dark time in my life. Yet I discount what I lost because of the enormous blessings God has given me. Actually my basic emotion towards these blessings is guilt. Why would God give me so much more, why would He give me bravery to move past fears and go all the way to China 2 times??

I don’t know the answers but I do know I hesitate because I feel unworthy, I did not do “my time”…who came up with the token amount of time one can marry after a death anyway? I don’t know that answer either.

I do know that I am heartbroken for this sweet family….a family that will never be the same again. All the dreams they had together on the day they married will not be realized and that is heartbreaking.

I can answer to the fact that God is real and in charge. He created each of us for His purposes.  Our lives will always be changing on this earth but He has promised us that He is unchanging and will never leave us. That is enough for me. 

Psalm 102: 25-27
Of old you laid the foundation of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands. They will perish, but you will remain; they will all wear out like a garment. You will change them like a robe, and they will pass away, but you are the same, and your years have no end.


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