I write a lot on this old blog about my experiences in adoption...
the awesome and the ugly
the expected and the unexpected.
Hank had a conversation with Madeline the other day about her birth family..
as I've written before Madeline has a difficult time processing her loss
she feels and hurts deeply and is fiercly loyal to those she loves
Because of a few things she has said He felt promted to ask her this,
"Do you think your China parents are looking for you?" She looked straight in his eyes and said "yes"
My heart stills as I think of this saddness in her heart and beliefs she has about her past,
heartbreaking in reality
He sat her down and gently told her that he could never have taken her away from a family that was searching for her. We may never know why her mom had to give her up but she wouldnt't have done so unless she had to. She may have been sick or for some other reason she knew she couldn't give you the life she wanted for you. She made the decision to give you the best chance to have a loving family. Lastly he said that she got what she wanted for you, a big old loving family that is part crazy.
We can only tell her what we were shown to be fact. That her parents wanted better for her and we have no idea of their circumstances, but they chose life for her and wanted the best they were able to give, unfortunutly that was giving her up. That statement alone is heartbreaking to the core.
We have a copy of a note that was left with her stating her birthdate and "we hope you go to a kindhearted family."
Janie has been asking more questions lately as well (most likely due to her sister talking about it all the time)
Something came up this morning about China so I decided to ask Janie the same question,
"Do you believe your China parents are looking for you?" She did not know about Madeline and Hank's conversation.
Without hesitation she nodded her head....sigh
I assured her that her family chose life for her as well, she was very sick and they wanted her to live and did what they had to do to save her. Her story is a bit more tricky so we keep the details to a minimum.
I am mentally unprepared that each of these precious girls hold this belief in their hearts
possibly from imagination, hope, saddness, loss????
I share this because in my wildest dreams I did not see this coming..
the thoughts and feelings going around in their little hearts and minds are real
Their loss is enormous
yet it gets lost in their day to day happiness...lurking just outside
I hugged my girls close this morning and promised that God loves them and made them perfectly
assured them that they are beautiful and worthy of love
they will never be forgotten or forsaken.
I wish that none of us had to experience great loss and suffering but not one of us can be perfected in Chirst if we don't experience these things in life. Unfortunatly my girls lives started out in suffering....with all my heart I believe God will use any and all suffering for good to glorify himself and to bring us closer to him.
"I consider that our present sufferings will not compare to the glory that will be revealed in us"
This is my prayer for my girls, that God will use their suffering for good...
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted"
"May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you will overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
and that they will be comforted by him and have peace in their circumstances.
As adoptive parents we need to understand that these struggles are very real for our children. Thankfully God can equip each one of us to handle the situations as they arise. I'm sure our answers are not perfect but I trust that my Lord can override all our inadequacies.